Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
