Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
