Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
