nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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