i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
