How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
