i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
