i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
