She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
