i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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