My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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