The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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