He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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