What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
