hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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