I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
