i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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