My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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