Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
