If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
