Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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