just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
