handjob tips. give me some.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
