Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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