I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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