I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
