I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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