I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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