I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
