The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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