put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
