Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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