I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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