i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
