Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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