I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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