literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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