he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
