On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
