"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he puts the penis in happiness.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
