Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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