Having a random hookup so left but love u
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
