but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
