fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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