why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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