had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
