I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
