so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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