My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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