I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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