well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
