Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
3pm strippers are depressing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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