Tell her she can't have a vagina
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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