I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
